Hi hello, it's me

Only a few weeks into the year and I am majorly struggling with this blogging commitment. I have started and scratched three different drafts of my next post?

Quick aside- there is a mom a few seats away from me at this coffee shop with two fairly boisterous little boys, and the woman across from me has been shooting them the side eye every time they squeal while also emitting a quite audible “UGH.” Mama over there ain’t noticing, but UGH lady is changing the side eye game, you guys. I am in love with this seating arrangement.

Okay back to the point. I thought I would feel so freed by putting the proverbial pen to paper each week, putting all of the thoughts swirling around in my head somewhere else where I don’t have to keep them in line anymore. But it’s hard. Everything I try to write feels so contrived, so “wow, stop trying so hard,” so forced. Who wants to read these things? Who really cares? How self-absorbed am I to think I have so much wisdom and wit to share with the world that I’ve been depriving it for so long?

This is why I always scoffed at people who started blogs. I mean it goes to show you that whatever you scoff at, you become. I swore I would never be the girl to get married straight out of college, to never live on her own, but hi hello, it’s me. I never thought I’d be the one to suddenly think, “how and when did I gain this weight? What’s wrong with me?” I never thought I’d be the one to struggle with suicidal temptations. I would never be one of those people. But again, hi hello, it’s me.

Maybe by the end of this year I’ll have learned how to not use blogging as an excuse to ramble barely-connected thoughts. But I’m already a week behind so anything goes.

Jumping Rocks

I'm published! Y'all! I'm published! What a great little victory. I answered an open call for contributors for a magazine out of the Netherlands and now my name, my words, and my photographs are printed and bound alongside that of several other intelligent, creative, and fascinating people. What a great honor. And what depth of confidence and happiness! I am beaming. Also, very afraid to read my piece again YIKES. But what a lovely reminder of kindness, hospitality, joy, friendship, gentleness, and peace in the midst of a lot of nasty stuff, big and small.

Let's Explore Magazine  Issue 01, photo from LEM website

Let's Explore Magazine Issue 01, photo from LEM website

It feels like a big step in the right direction for me, and hopefully the first of many! It reminds me (at the risk of channeling a "be all you can be!" inspirational poster) of jumping from one moss-covered rock to another to cross a creek, which sounds idyllic and playful. However, for a very ungraceful person like myself, it takes a lot more concentration to look sprightly, so every successful landing feels like one more successful heartbeat. You have to decide to risk looking like a fool and giving people the opportunity to laugh at you in order to feel the satisfaction of your toes hitting solid rock and staying there (and the assurance that your shoes have enough tread). But when you land and wiggle around with your arms flying out at each side for balance, you feel silly, sure, but you feel a lift in spirit, knowing that you made the choice to do something maybe pretty stupid, but you did it well. But really, you just did it, and that's the hardest part.

I have plenty to improve upon, plenty to work on, plenty to learn, but for now, I'm going to stop on this rock and take a little spin. Because all of those treacherous, slippery lil devils can also lead to great, albeit sometimes small, victory.

C